Humor for Lexophiles

Got these from a friend.  I thought these were hillarious so wanted to share it with you all.

— I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
— Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
— Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
— To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
— The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
— When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
— The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
— The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
— The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
— A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
— A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
— A will is a dead giveaway.
— A backward poet writes inverse.
— A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
— With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
— A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blown apart.
— A calendar’s days are numbered.
— A boiled egg is hard to beat.
— If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
— When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
— Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis